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pepper pepper pepper salt
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| 33 entered like a storm... |
[12 Apr 2009|10:23am] |
well well well *blows dust off of journal*
i feel like i've been given the opportunity to start a new chapter in my life and I think that I shall bring you along ol' journal. I've been avoiding writing like the plague for the last year with no real rhyme or reason but i've entered this real thinky phase and i guess i know that it is best to write it out than just keep it in.
i've been thinking a lot about life lately.. actually, it is all i think about. what is the purpose? is this it?? what makes someone a good person? am i a good person? do i impact others? what makes an impact? who am i? who are you??
i feel like the past year has been very stagnant. having undergone my first real break up, i let my seams loosen a little too much. work and life became overwhelming only because i couldn't figure out what the purpose of it was. what was the reason that i got up every day to the sound of two alarms, get dressed to go to work to just go home and waste time until i could go to bed and kill the day. in retrospect, though i felt trapped in a life of circumstance it was my own fear that built my cage and oppression..
there is grave clarity that comes in the form of the bubble bursting. in one week i had lost my job, found out my ex was moving back to abbotsford because he had also lost his job, and then a friend took his life.... oh... not to mention i was entering my jesus year (33) and definitely felt more like the anti-christ.
shawn was a very meek and fragile 30 year old whom i had met at a very gay party. our converstation was magnetic and was a great contrast to the conversations of opera and madonna. it was like looking into a mirror... he wore his fears about the seeming meaningless of life on his sleeve. we talked about our big questions.. and we madly scrambled to come up with answers. we were single and scared, employed but dissatisfied with the feeling that in obtaining a dream it was filled with dust...
it was so hard to know that he was already figuring out his exit strategy.
life is giving me a second chance. this easter, i would like to thank shawn... in giving up his life he helped me realize that i need to not give up on my own. sometimes asking the big questions is just as important as finding answers.
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| Hey Diana, where the hell have you been? |
[18 Jun 2008|01:38pm] |
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Well, good question. I’ve been crazy busy, having fun and enjoying life! Here is a rundown on what is going down: Work I can honestly say that I love my job which is something that I haven’t been able to say for the past 6 years. Going to work is never a chore and I actually enjoy the people I work with! It is challenging, personable and allows me to grow into a more senior mind frame. I guess it doesn’t hurt to be earning a liveable wage as well!! Relationships Well, this one is a bit tricky. Sometimes it is better to take a chance and have it fail than to never have taken a chance at all… Sleeves and I lived together for 5 good months but a decision was made a little over a month ago that we should just remain awesome wicked friends… sleeves will be moving out in 2 weeks to the wonderful Kitsilano and I will continue to enjoy my castle in the sky by my lonesome. Nothing but positive feelings surround this very difficult decision. Bartending In May and part of June, Diana went to Bartending School and loved it!! Sleeves and I both took it together as a fun way to pass a weekend and now I find myself actually looking for part time work so that I can spread my joy of making the perfect martini. I have an interview on Thursday at a place that shall remain nameless until I find out if it is a place I can see myself slingin’ drinks. Other fun and random things. · I am volunteering at a cooking school scrubbing dishes in exchange for cooking lessons, free meals and wine! Well, I actually start this Saturday, I think it is going to be fun! I’ll share any cool recipes. · My brother just left Vancouver after visiting me for 10 days. It was honestly the best time ever!!! He came at a good time too, considering my rather significant break up that I’ve been experiencing. We did all sorts of fun things like kayaking, kicking our buts up the ‘grouse grind’, lynn valley suspension bridge, as well as eating way too much gelato. · I have 3 other house guests coming this summer including one of my best friends Linh arriving in July, my best friend Ren who will be coming to Vancouver for the Pride celebrations and then super wicked awesome kells will be coming for her annual ‘visit Diana in Vancity’ celebration!!! Everyone should visit me!!! · I cut my long hair to my chin as it was pissing me off… seriously, how does anyone get past the flatness of short hair? · My camera screen has broken. Okay, this is not cool… only annoying. Dang, I need to get a bartending gig tout suite! So, there you have it… Diana is alive and well chilling on the west coast and praying that this lousy june-uary weather would end and the summer would come!!!
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| 2nd last day of work reflections... |
[31 Jan 2008|10:51am] |
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I can’t believe that it is the last day of January already.
It is hard to believe that I’ve been back from Toronto for a month now, I’m scratching my head and trying to figure out where the time has gone. On one had I keep fretting that I’ve been doing nothing with my time but on the other hand I know that this month has been filled with finding a job, trying to finish all dental treatments before the cut off date of my benefits February 28, trying to find a pair of eyeglasses that are ‘me’ (which I have done, now I’m just waiting until payday to purchase them) and preparing ‘my home’ to become ‘our home’.
I’m stressed about my new job starting, lets just say that this is not the first time I’ve moved careers here in Vancouver. As a sort of ‘homage’, I thought I would take you on a journey through my past 2 years of employment
McLean Budden Limited (FULL TIME) I interviewed for this job, through referral from a friend, back in Toronto and thought ‘oh jiminy, it is fate!’ when they posed to me the opportunity in their Vancouver office. I was so excited to start afresh in a new career that wasn’t medicine, was corporate and was filled with promise and whom had been promoted a few times in the year since he had commenced his employment with them. I got to Vancouver only to have my face drop when I saw that the office had only 6 other employees (the Toronto office is an entire floor). This was the first job that I have ever worked at where people hadn’t liked me as a person or hadn’t recognized my achievements. I was barraged with every day insults and verbal assult that began to break me down. There were several things that kept me at this job: 1. I had taken a $10,000 paycut for this job and I was staaarving in my $995/month apartment. Every December there was promise of a bonus that could be up to 35% of your annual pay, I had to make it to this bonus and get myself above the poverty line 2. Since my friend got me the job, he guilted me daily that it would reflect badly on him if I left before a year.
Achievements: I ended up surviving the abuse until the bonus (I received my $10,000 and was able to buy myself a dinner that didn’t consist of a can of beans) and beyond. My goal was to try to make it until another bonus but in April of 2007 I snapped and found another job which I thought would be my saviour out of there.
September 2006 – Present(ish) (Still on call)Fitness World (PART TIME)
Because McLean Budden paid just enough every month to cover my apartment and my bills, I took on this second job at ‘the gym’ to help me out financially. FW was a lot of fun but it was tiring. I worked there every weekend until January of 2007 which meant that I worked every day of the week. Around December 2006, when everyone was going home to see their families for the holiday, I got really depressed that I had to work 2 jobs and was nearing my 30s. I quit in January after achieving my bonus at MB yet I continue to work there on and off whenever they need me (sometimes for long bouts and sometimes just a shift here and there).
Achievements: I managed to loose an astounding 40 pounds while working here because I was always jumping around and didn’t have enough time to eat or drink.
April 2007 - August 2007. This job was meant to be my saviour from the abuse of MB. I remember being so excited about the youthful liveliness about the office, seeing my office overlooking the mountains, signing up for my amazing benefits and being excited that my $10,000 raise in pay from MB would allow me to finally give up the diet of canned beans that I’d had become so accustomed to eating.. I thought that being back in healthcare would give me a sense of purpose and that the fact that my buddies all liked to drink and have a good time would keep me young and feeling great about where I was in life. It wasn’t long before I saw the smoke and mirrors. Being in charge of the mailboxes of two of the heads of the company, I got to see the backstabbing from the managers first hand; I arranged the closed door meetings that discussed things that no one knew; I heard conversations where research was changed to show us in a good light and I started to question everything. I slowly went mad….like 3 of the previous secretaries had done in this very role. My mouth became filled with sores, Diana went into work and quit with no back up plan. Achievements: I made some awesome friends and made out with a scot (Meh, seemed like more of an achievement at the time). I also learned that you don’t have to stay at jobs, if you feel that something is killing you there is most certainly something better out there for you. My nervous breakdown at OHSAH was perhaps the best thing that happened to me in Vancouver. July 2007 – July 2007 Shoppers Drug Mart. (PART TIME)
I can’t believe that I lasted a full month of working at SDM but I did. The gym had hired someone for the front desk and I was in serious need of money for bills that were weighing down on my shoulders so a 4 day a week part time job in Yaletown sounded like a good idea. I took this job and felt super great about it at first…. Well, when they had me only as cashier. Slowly but surely, they started putting stocking duties into my role…. I remember one quiet Saturday stocking shelves I thought to myself that I wanted to kill myself…that was my cue to leave. Achievements: Realizing that I was too good of an employee to work at Shoppers. Hah August 2007 – tomorrow UBC (TEMP FULL TIME)
The day before the faithful day I quit my job at OHSAH, I interviewed with UBC’s temp agency. I had a fever but still managed to ace all the tests they had given me and achieved not sounding too much like an idiot at my interview. The next day when I went into work and quit OHSAH, UBC called me with a job that I would be starting the following Monday. The University has taught me so many things – to chill out, to not be so negative at work, that I’m a good person, that I’m a great friend. I’ve worked in two faculties that both asked to hire me but I realized that as much as I love the people I work with, being a personal assistant isn’t where my heart is at. I have officially quit my job and will be starting my new work next Monday. Achievements: A greater sense of self worth and a whole buttload of friends.
Monday Monday…
The College of Dental Surgeons of BC (CONTRACT: FULL TIME)
It is funny that my career has brought me to here. They say that you learn more from working jobs you hate than from ones you love which means that I have learned a whole frickin’ lot about both myself and where I want to be/don’t want to be. I don’t need my own office, a youthful party atmosphere, or a buttload of money (thought this job does pay me significantly more). At the end of the day, my favourite part of any day is when I’m working with people and the college will allow me to do this in my role of Licensing Coordinator….
so there it is... i'm excited and nervous, excited and nervous....
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| WOW, I haven’t written in my Journal since November 16…. |
[25 Jan 2008|11:58am] |
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someone is speaking in German... |
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I could either blame this on my computer (which has been broken since mid December) or perhaps blame it on the death of a detox (which quickly got ‘modified’ to a much more livable diet after about a week and a half due to overwhelming mood swings).
At the end of the day I think that it is more likely that I’ve become afraid of my journal. I write in my journal and form these grandeous plans filled with optimism and shortly after I see crumble around me. I get embarrassed…embarrassed to face the friends I have made on here and admit that I’ve failed… embarrassed to show that I had given up and threw the towel in.
Things are going well and I don’t want to jinx it...buuuut I will. - My trip to Toronto was wicked; I didn’t realize how much I had missed my friends and family. Spending 2.5 weeks at home was a celebration of life, friendship, and most importantly a means to evaluate everything I was returning to. I don’t think that I would have made a lot of decisions about my life upon my return if I wasn’t for my time at home removed…
- Since I am currently temping at the University of British Columbia and I was not paid for my time off in Toronto, I decided that I would work during my vacation. I found temporary employment through an old colleague in a temp agency (an environment that I hadn’t worked in for about 6 years) and loved it. I loved it so much in fact that I just knew that I couldn’t come back to Vancouver and continue being a personal assistant. Upon my return, I threw out one million resumes, I interviewed like a mofo and I got offered a job within a week. Much like my good friend and journal mate maybe_istabyou, I feel a lot of trepidation going into what I will be doing… for myself I’m just so afraid I will fail and I will be on here in tears crying about how I suck.
- When I was in Toronto, Sleeves and I had a rough go. He was faced with a lot of insecurity about how I was feeling about ‘us’ and I was surrounded by family and friends and found it all confusing and overwhelming. Anyways, when I got home we talked it all out and realized what we have is too good to give up and that we always let minor insecurities bog us down. He is now moving into my (now our) abode February 10th. I’m scared and excited and scared and excited….and scared. This is my first stable relationship and I’m lucky enough to also call him my best friend and companion. Look at Diana, taking a chance on love.
- I’m excited about this year. I was walking down the street a couple of days ago and I thought about how much different my life is from 6 months ago… friends have fled Vancouver, new ones have entered, I’ve fallen in love, I’ve stopped going out and have made a plan to get out of debt that is realistic and forgiving. Most of all, I’ve made the new years resolution this year to stop being so hard on myself. People fail….they brush themselves off and get back on the horse.
On to 2008!!
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| Detox Day 5 - almost at a week!!! |
[16 Nov 2007|10:11am] |
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I woke up this morning feeling sooo clear headed. I feel pretty great but when I tried to run to the bus I felt that I had no juice in my muscles. I know that this is temporary though and that my muscles are detoxing as well… you lazy assholes!! To punish them I really ran them up the stairs at work and when they cried ‘I’m tired’ I pushed those lazy buggers harder. My favourite (food) things at the moment are: - Bija Rooibos Rejuvenating Caffeine-Free Organic tea
- Tofu cooked with beets, celery, onions, garlic and carrots (I finished a batch last night and immediately made more)
- Organic puffed corn (which is meant to be a cereal but I eat it throughout the day like popcorn)
- Cut up granny smith in the mornings (it is my coffee! It works just as well at waking me up and tastes 10x better!)
Things I find funny are: - The way everyone feels that they have to justify how healthy their eating is to me when they see me cutting up my morning apple. It is my choice and I’m not judging your eating!!!!
- The fact that I’m still pooing like a champion
- The way that my body doesn’t started off craving cheese and bread and now is only craving puffed corn and tofu with beets
- The fact that my boyfriend gave up after two days because it was hard… WIMP!! Hahhaha
I’m looking forward to this weekend, what are you all doing? Saturday Sleeves and I are doing our weekly hike. This week we are choosing the Capilano Regional Park. That evening after the hike we are going to a friend’s house to play CRANIUM!!! I know there will be booze but I will come armed with a nice bottle of San Pellegrino and a handful of limes. I might bring some puffed corn to prevent me from eating any chips that are laid out for guests. Sunday Sleeves and I are going to go swimming in the morning and then most likely we are going to go down to Wreck Beach as he has never been. This is the best time as it is too cold for naked hippies. Later that Day I’m supposed to go to the swap-o-rama that is happening on 'The Drive’. I was pretty pumped about it but I have not gone through my clothing sufficiently. Afterwards I’m meeting the lovely miss ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) lumpy_liafor tea and girly garble. Fun times!
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| Detox – Day 4 |
[15 Nov 2007|02:22pm] |
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 my neck is stiffff!!! |
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This detox has been very rewarding so far mostly because I’ve learned the following things: - Being nauseous and headachy for 3 days straight makes me wonder how much of control I let coffee and other toxins have over my body. My first day found me a jittery mess with a distinct headache by the end of the day, my second made me want to die… I was seriously headachy and unfocussed, by the third day I was feeling a lot better but I was still headachy and could barely stay awake to watch the end of top model. As I find myself here on day four I feel alert (yet slightly achy) and considering never touching a drop of caffeine ever again. That shit is worse than crack.
- I have more self control than I thought I did. Usually I cave in and eat or drink things that are bad for me because they are around me and I think ‘why not’. When I put myself to the test (and even alone in a room of chocolate cookies) I find that I do have the will power to resist. I AM a strong woman and I AM in control of my body. It is empowering!
- Tofu is my friend. I love tofu…I love beans… I love beets and cabbage and lentils. I love being a vegetarian PERIOD. So why have I been sneaking so much meat lately? Because I can? With the absence of cheese in my life as well I’ve been wondering if it might be a good time to transfer over to being vegan. We’ll see though, I’m only on day 4 ;)
- Herbal tea is yummy and head cleaning. It also never hurts your tummy. Quite the opposite affect that coffee has on me. I’m still awake and I’m more alert than when I drank 5+ cups.
- Never detox if you are afraid of pooping. Poop is your friend… enjoy pooping because everything that is coming out of you is your poison. It is amazing to see how much one can actually poop. My second day in I actually thought I would have to build a home on the toilet but when I was finally done I saw that my distended belly was gone. It is also amazing how many times I can say the word poop in one paragraph.
Things that are also good are the fact that in walking the 2 hours home from work the other day I got to turn down a side street and see the city like I’ve never seen it before. The twinkling lights of the city from on top of the darkened hill reflected like stars in the water below. It literally took my breath away… In bad news I have been unable to do any of the art projects I had set out to do as I’ve been so busy trying to deal with this detox. I guess I was being to ambitious but will still keep up with my hikes this weekend and hopefully something artistic will come out of it. Just maybe not until next week ;)
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| Detox - Day Two |
[13 Nov 2007|11:40am] |
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After a quite naughty ‘pretox’ which involved ingestion of meaty pizza, beer, gin, candy, many cigarettes, etc… I woke up on my ‘Detox Day One’ on my couch with a splitting headache (it was a long weekend in Vancouver). There is no better way to start your detox than in such a low state as you really think ‘what the hell am I doing with my body’. I don’t recommend it to anyone but it really made me want to make things right again. Around 1pm my gung-ho-ness about the detox started to fade with the hangover and cravings for such things as cheese, bread, pickles, etc started to kick in. I spent the afternoon pouring sodas and alcohols down the sink, bagging up cheeses and salmon filets to send home with my boyfriend and eating sweet fruits to help me through my day. This morning on ‘Detox Day Two’, I find my head just as hurty… this time it is not from justified over-indulgence of naughty toxins (lapped up like a bear going into hibernation) but due to the fact that I can’t drink coffee. Solution: Tea… lots of belly warming herbal teas. I cleaned out my desk of all chocolates (haha, you should see how many there was in there!) and put nuts and seeds and fruits in it’s place. Biggest struggle of the day: When I went (full headache) to the kitchen to refresh my tea and there was a tray of cookies in there. Covered in chocolate, they sang to me from their tray ‘no one is looking, who will know if you eat just one’. I WOULD KNOW… damn you cookies!!! My apple was probably even better though…sweet and sour and full of power.
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| The Great Diana LJ Challenge |
[11 Nov 2007|09:17am] |
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Good morning my lovely LJ friends,
I've attempts to continue with my initial goal of using my blog for positive growth, I've taken on the following two challenges:
Challenge One: Body and Soul
As of Monday (tomorrow) I will be taking on a 30 day health challenge. The goals of this challenge are to detox my body, soul and mind of all the junk that I've been putting into it as of late AND to the work on my body image and perception of self through positive eating and activity.
I will be steering clear of the booze, sneaky non-smoker cigarettes, processed foods, caffine, meat, flour, sugar, unhealthy starches, and dairy (including you mr. loving cheeses) and I will be increasing my activity in whichever way I feel fit (ie. this might not mean me working out for hours at the gym but it could mean me walking down on the beach or riding my bike through stanley park in the rain).
Please keep in mind that the soul attempts of this challenge is not to loose weight but to reconnect with my body and it's urges which is a topic that has been quite interesting as of late. I will be blogging through the highes and the lows and my thoughts and trials with body image and my addiction to toxins.
Also note that I will not be starving myself...I will be eating continually throughout the day through small meals, snacks and smoothies. The rule is that everything that goes into my body must help my body and mind and must not damage or hinder it.
Challenge Two: Art and Mind
2. For the past two weeks I have been going on hikes in the back woods of Vancouver and taking pictures of nature. For the next 5 weeks my goal is this:
Every Saturday (or Sunday) I will go on a hike on a different area of Vancouver. By the following Friday I must create one piece of art that expresses a feeling that this hike evoked. It can be of anything that i've seen and in any medium that I wish BUT it must be posted to LJ by midnight of the following Friday (PST) along with a picture of what inspired this piece. My first piece will be submitted by this coming Friday, November 16 and will be inspired by my hike to Lighthouse Park in West Vancouver.
These 5 pieces of art will be presented as xmas gifts to members of my family upon return to Toronto on December 14.
*****
I'm doing both of these challenge for myself and to reconnect to my initial purposes of my blog: to work on my positive outlook through my writing as well as to motivate others through my plights. I ENCOURAGE ALL OF MY LJ FRIENDS TO EITHER JOIN ME IN ONE OF MY CHALLENGES OR TO COME UP WITH THEIR OWN MEANS OF POSITIVITY TRAINING.
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| Hey Diana, where have you been? |
[02 Nov 2007|03:24pm] |
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a lot of idle chatter, must be friday! |
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It is funny how I tend to want to write more when times are tough. Do I use my journal as a venue to voice my frustrations or is it merely that I am a whiner? Hmmmm, debatable I’m sure but I do believe that it is easier to vent in your journal than to just write about how every day your life has become. Since it has been around 2 months since I’ve set my fingers to the keyboard, I thought that I would sum up the goings on in my usual bulleted form. - I have been working in the Faculty of Medicine at UBC for about 2 months now. In mid October they offered me a full time position which I thought about a whole lot and ended up declining.. As a temp with the University I receive benefits, a good wage and I don’t have to shoulder any responsibility. Until I figure out 100% what I want to do, I don’t want to commit to anything that won’t fulfill me. There is not one small part of me that doubts that I made the right decision. Although this is the first job in Vancouver that I haven’t hated, it is still not what I want to do (ie. I’m a personal assistant yet again).
- In August I had given up on men and in late August I took a chance and went on a date with some dork I met on some dating site. I mostly went out with him because I liked his tattoos and his glasses and when we went on our date he had something hanging from his nose. I remember sitting there on the date enthralled by how it danced around when he laughed …who knew that I would end up falling in love with this dude? I knew that I was in love with him the moment we could talk about poo together on my balcony and when we could laugh at each other’s farts… there are talks that ‘sleeves’ and I will be moving in together in March.
- Speaking of shacking up… we are planning on moving out of my wonderful apartment into another wonderful apartment in perhaps a different neighborhood (perhaps kits or south Granville…which means nothing to all you non-vancouverites). It will be closer to work for me (less bridges to cross) and closer to where my friends live. Non negotionables: I want an apartment that I can paint this time, I still want to live close to the water (just the other side of the bridge), I NEED NEED NEED a bigger kitchen, it would be nice if the living room was not right beside the bedroom as sleeves needs to wake up at 4am every day to go to work and I like to stay up late dancing to Diana Ross, and it would be nice to still have a balcony… I’m so excited about finding a new apartment! (even though I love mine to tears)
- I am going home for the holidays this year and I’m super excited. I’m not going home for my usual 5 days but rather for 2.5 weeks which is a very daring decision as I will not be paid for this vacation time. There is a part of me that feels that things will ‘just work out’ financially. Frick, I’m already in the hole …what is a few more dollars. I’m currently helping out at the gym part time YET AGAIN in attempts of saving some spending money. I’m also planning on going to Montreal for 3 nights as well… why? Just ‘cuz. Rhondy, if you don’t meet up with me for poutine I will slit my wrists and write ‘Help me Rhondy’ on the sidewalk with my blood.
- I’ve been gaining weight. This is not a figment of my imagination but a real live concern… I’ve put on 10 pounds in a little over a month and a half. Sleeves likes the fact that my boobs are bigger but daggnabbit why doesn’t the weight ever get closer to my butt??
- Current food obsessions: pomegranates, tacos, grapes, chocolate (sob…when did I become this choco-manic!), pies of all sorts, hard plums (but only when they are cut up into quarters and eaten from small white bowls), and raspberries.
- My hair is now longer than my shoulders. FUCKING FINALLY!
- My benefits through work are going to be active in 2 weeks Monday.. I can’t wait to finally get new glasses especially since the university covers $400 on a new pair. I’ve been wearing these white ones, which I now hate, for over 3 years and they are the first pair that I’m not replacing because I’ve broken or lost them while drunk. Bless, I’m an adult now! I’m going to get a new pair in Toronto as I know where all the fun frames shops are there! Oooh, or perhaps Montréal!! I’m super pumped.
- There is one more hour left of my day here at work and then I go to my next job…I was hoping that this post would have taken longer to write… booo urns!!!
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| hey, i'm alive!!! |
[01 Sep 2007|11:27am] |
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A.C.R. - Shack Up |
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A girl has to stop ignoring her blog and break the silence some time. I think that there just is so much to write about that sometimes it is hard to commit all the emotions into writing it. I’ve had a nervous breakdown. It was a biggie but quite possibly the best thing that happened to me. Since about April, I was finding pressures in my life mounting.. Felt a little heartbroken, left my job at the ‘house of finance nightmares’ optimistic for good things, visited friends and family at home that turned into a disaster and a loss of my most significant friend and the person I talked to every single day on the phone, I allowed things around me to encompass me and I almost failed one of my classes, I hated being alone so I worked every day, money woes started making me feel trapped in all situations…. Pressure building, pressure building, pressure buiiiiillllding… By the time I got to July I was finding myself continually ill. I felt like a complete failure at my job and I took a vacation from myself and retreated into my head. Having a nervous ‘shutdown’ is a funny thing….a very selfish thing. I closed myself off from my friends and family, I would cry in my office every day allowing all the work to pile up around me, I was destructing my body and sabotaging everything around me on purpose.. my friends from my job started to get worried… I went from the office clown to a ball of anxiety and my good friend there told me she could barely recognize me anymore. Where did I go?? Would I come back from the dead and be her friend again? In late july/early august, I would say that I was at my absolute worst. I completely lost myself to the stresses around me… one of my best friends in the city had moved back home to be with her dying mother, my boss began yelling at me about things and bad mouthing me behind closed doors, i failed my 3 month work review, this guy I started seeing told me I was a mental case and dumped me on the middle of main street in the wee hours of the morning claiming he was just using me for sex anyways and that I was an idiot for believing any of his lies that we could ever be more…i had put myself on medication in july as I was hoping that it was the answer and it was not… it actually made things worse. I was still desperately lonely but only because I chose to be. I had hands reaching out to me everywhere and I was the one that turned them away…
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[28 Jul 2007|08:51am] |
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When am i going to stop getting my heart broken....
i'm a total mess...
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| to medicate or not to medicate, that is the question... |
[19 Jul 2007|01:55pm] |
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my jaw grinding |
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My best friend just wrote me a very lengthy email expressing concern about my sanity. It is true; I have similar concerns about my sanity…especially after last night. I’ve been very erratic lately….lashing out at some and closing off from others, being extremely harsh with myself and about the choices I make instead of just embracing them as learning experiences, looking at myself with disgust in the mirror, thinking things that happen badly to me is deserved, etc... It is rather ironic; I went back onto medication after 4 years so that I could deal with my uneasiness with my job and feelings of failure in an uncluttered way. At first I thought that the medication was working but eventually noticed that a lot of the side effects that the doctor and pharmacist warned me would occur during the first week were actually magnifying over time. Things I’ve noticed over the past 3 weeks (being the point when I went back on medication), - I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety. I mean A LOT of anxiety. I’m constantly ‘wringing’ my hands and having to do breathing exercises. If I allow myself to get lost in the anxiety, I start to panic about things that are somewhat insignificant and it magnifies to a point where I’m literally feeling like I’m having a heart attack. I used to suffer from a lot of panic attacks and I can tell you that if you don’t control your thoughts they control you.
- I find myself gritting my teeth until my jaw hurts or until my teeth feel like they are going to explode into dust.
- I find myself thinking the worst about many situations. For example, I’ll schedule a meeting incorrectly at work and my boss will point it out. I’ll start feeling panicky and will immediately beat myself up not only about the situation but about every situation…‘your so stupid Diana, nothing good will ever happen to you. You are going to be alone forever because you are a stupid slut’. This will then proceed to make me hyperventilate…
- I have seriously been wanting to drink constantly. I find this weird as I don’t consider myself a very big drinker anymore and would even go as far as to say that I’m more of an occasional weekend drinker with random drunkin’ moment with friends.
- Last night while stocking shelves at SDM, I actually had thoughts about suicide. I haven’t had such thoughts in such a long time that I immediately ran to the washroom and cried. I wanted my mum so bad… I missed my brother and seeing all the babies. I missed my friends and the feeling of being young and carefree. I longed for days with no responsibilities and of lying in parks playing scrabble.
I got home from work last night after 1am and could not sleep. There are so many thoughts that run through my head but most of the time they just spin round and round without conclusion. This morning when I wrote my friend that I feared it might be the medication and she agreed (claiming that she hasn’t seen me this bad in 4 years and she fears that I’ve taken a step backwards). I rescheduled my doctor’s appointment to tomorrow immediately. I am supposed to be upping the dose on Tuesday and as it stands I don’t even know if I should be continuing to take it.
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| psychosis |
[18 Jul 2007|04:26pm] |
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music |
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my brain working overtime |
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This morning my friend Divana requested that I join a group ‘The Beautiful City – the movie’ on facebook. At first I thought that it was a movie that Divana was making, she is quite a wonderful screenplay writer, but I almost choked when I saw that it was a movie that Ed Gass-Donnelly had officially gotten into the Toronto Independent Film Festival. Ed and I had met many moons ago. I was living in Toronto in the house of drama and I had just gotten my heart broken by my exbf. Ed was a truly magical guy to talk to…in fact, we would talk all night online and laugh about everything. His nickname for me was 'the great black hole of time'; I used to suck up all his time with my mindless banter and keep him laughing for hours. Our first date was magical too… we went to this bar on queen street and shared a bottle of wine and talked over a dimly lit dinner.. then we went to the tequila bookworm and had burnt marshmallow icecream and I read him books dramatically off of their packed walls of literature. It was amazing.. such a connection. I remember him walking me home and thinking how great it was that I had met someone so passionate about film and about life… Then I went home… and I obsessed.. obsessed about how smart and accomplished he was… of how he knew where he wanted his life to head and how he knew he was going to get there. What did I have to offer someone of that caliber? There is only so far that my silly jokes and nonsensical prattle can go… and so I brushed him off. The fear that I don’t have anything to offer people is probably my biggest fear. I’m funny but I’m not smart.. I don’t have anything to add to conversations about the arts or sciences… I’m just me and the fear that people won’t like me is crippling. I think that this will be the very reason that MJ and I will fail. He is super intelligent and more than established and passionate in his work and although I find it appealing it scares me. Even though I can make him laugh and he is physically attracted to me, I don’t think that I have much that I can offer him past that. There will come a day, one day very soon, that he will realize that I don’t really have much going on upstairs and the phone will stop ringing.
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| Stuff and things - Volume 1,000,000 |
[17 Jul 2007|02:19pm] |
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Yesterday after work I went for a couple pints with my coworker. We talked about a lot of things but mostly about our discomfort with things rumbling beneath the surface of our company. The secret meetings, the masks of promises of change, the unprofessionalism of the hr department (we believe that he is just a puppet that has been set up to appease the people’s desire for a middle man anyways), the great divide between the management and the people ‘guised by the rouse of being just one of us. It is weird… it all feels very unstable and kinda scary. My game plan right now is to get past my probation next week, get my letter for the bank to consolidate my debts and then start canvassing for another job. - I’ve been having weird dreams lately…..One night I had a dream where I woke up, went to my fridge and started pouring flax seeds in my mouth. Container after container, I inhaled them all like a vacuum. When I swallowed the last seed I had containers all around my feet and I yelled ‘I LOVE FLAX SEEDS’. Wtf!!! When did I trade in dreams about sex and naughtiness for dreams about flax seeds and other even more disturbing variations (like last night I dreamt that my computer got stolen and I think that I cried for the remainder of the dream about it. Just sitting there crying and crying about my stolen computer…do I really have nothing better to dream about?).
- This morning I received an email from a reporter that is collecting evidence in regards to the Harris Black scam (ie. the con artist/sexual offender who uses the rouse of job advertisements on craigslist to gather information for his next victims who had contacted me last week). As much as I really want to help, I chose to do nothing more than stare at him through the window of the café and did not actually meet with him. I wish I had further information so that I could really sock it to this guy.
- I’ve decided to stop using pens at work and start using pencils. I don’t know why this is such a big decision in my life but for some reason the swishing sound of the pencil makes me eerily happy and more productive.
- My mate went to a concert with the scot and he made a pass at her as well. Something tells me that if it had been me that had gone up to dance that ill begotten night and not her, the roles would have been quite reversed. I’m glad that he cut his hair and released me from his Scottish spell so that I can see what a disgusting creep he really is!! His accent actually makes my stomach turn now, how dare he turn me off the Scottish! I consider this a blessing in disguise....
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| monday reflections |
[16 Jul 2007|06:07am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Happy Mondays - 24h party people |
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It is 5:30am and I couldn’t get a lick of sleep last night..i hate the feeling of laying around and my eyes just rolling and rolling around in my head. This weekend was all over the map, there was a lot of bad things like drinking far too many $2.50 double gin and tonics at pat’s pub on Friday with my coworkers (will I ever learn that going out with my coworkers is toxic?), letting some eyeliner-ed band dude try on my watch and then forgetting about it and going home, working both Saturday and Sunday (okay, my part time job is at Shoppers Drugmart) and having to stock shelves as we were overstaffed, etc, etc… for now lets focus on some fun moments, shall we? Personal Times - On Saturday I thought I started work at 3:15 but upon arriving to work, still a little hungover mind you, I realized I didn’t start until 6:15. Instead of going home, I took myself to lunch on a patio in Yaletown and read the paper. After that I went for a walk in the summer sun along the sea wall and watched babies giggling in the park
- On Sunday I took myself for coffee and panini before work at the most Italian place I’ve ever been (‘Hey Tony, say hello to your sister for me.’)
- Talking to my parents on the phone by the sea wall. My mum asked me about my date earlier that week, I told her it was fun and how we had racked up the huge bill. My mum and dad both said at the same time ‘I hope he didn’t expect you to put out.’ HAHAH, bless.
With MJ - On Saturday I managed to sneak out of work at 10pm instead of midnight and went over to MJ’s (he lives around the corner) to watch the wall/soultrain/south park, drink some vodka and be mildly (3rd date) naughty. Lovely
- Favourite Moments:
- When I said something funny and he spat his drink all over my face
- Seeing a commercial claiming to ‘increase your shaft diameter’ (it was for hair loss hahah) and an infomercial where (no lie) they had large brested women in tight low cut clevage tops saying things like 'now, if you are like me you don't know anything about how the internet works but let me tell you it is like magic.' whaaaa????
- Soul train baby!!!!! There was this rad 1970’s band from Japan and their mustached Japanese manager in the crowd could sure bring it down! (I don’t think that I’ve ever laughed so hard, I wish that soultrain was always on tv!!)
- Seeing an ashma inhaler beside MJ’s bed.. (I’m such a weird cat… why do I find things like this endearing?)
At Shoppers - Sunday I had clutzy fingers (most likely due to lack of sleep on Saturday ;), here are the funny things that I dropped that day:
- A can of mint and lemon icetea which got punctured and sprayed in my face and eyes infront of all the customers ‘my eyes, my eyes!’ I think I laughed non stop for 20 minutes and had sticky hair for the remainder of the day
- Pushing a wonky wheeled cart of sodas I managed to drop an entire box of coke. They all rolled down different isles (everywhere!) and I had to run around frantically retrieving them all. Zany!
- Talking vividly at my cash register with my hands, I managed to swat my tic tac holder causing all the tic tac containers to go dramatically flying through the air. (not only embarrassing but scene causingly noisy!!)
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| the horror... |
[13 Jul 2007|01:40pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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music |
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clickity click |
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I can’t explain why I did it, and I don’t think that I can justify why I did, but yesterday I went by the café where I was to meet the con artist/sexual offender.
I think I knew that I would since the moment that I started reading articles about him. I was possessed! I read numerous accounts of his victims and his smug misogynist articles on how to fuck a thai woman without having to pay the bill and became more and more disgusted. I was angry that at this day in age such perversion could exist inside of someone and that it could continue to go on. I woke up yesterday and dressed from head to toe in black and upon leaving work I hid my eyes behind my big dark sunglasses. I didn’t worry too much if he could tell who I was as I had curly short hair in the picture that I sent to him. The sick part is that there was a part of me that wanted him to recognize me… so I could spit in his eyes and release all my anger. I don’t know what possessed me but I swear that it rang though my ears in a way that was dizzing… I was on a mission to see his beady eyes and when I saw him sitting at the window I froze and stared. You mother fucker… you fucking sick asshole MOTHER FUCKER!!! I froze in front of the coffee shop window. I froze and watched him in his baby blue polo shirt wringing his hand waiting…wringing, wringing, wringing… waiting for his pray. Waiting for my huge smile and resume to walk through the door… what kind of sick perversion could possess someone to pretend to be someone you are not and to give someone false hope of a better future?
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| THIS IS SCARY SHIT!!!! ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!! |
[11 Jul 2007|01:48pm] |
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mood |
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scared |
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music |
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my heart pounding |
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This is one crazy world. Yesterday I submitted my resume on craigslist for a potential job working in a Day Spa in Yaletown. It sounded like a great position, one that fully utilized my medical experience, my previous spa experience as well as my customer service work. The ad requested that a photo be attached as well which I did find kind of odd but I thought that maybe they required rather good looking women to work there (haha) This morning I was so excited to see the following email in my inbox: I have received your impressive resume. I would like to go over it with you and see what kind of work might be available to you in Vancouver. I hope we can meet this week. I can also make evening appointments. Please contact me with your availability. Thank you,
Harry Kennedy, Work Vancouver
Tel: 778-869-1972 So I emailed said Harry Kennedy quite chuffed that I was being requested to meet with him as the job actually paid quite well. Harry wrote me back to call him immediately and I ran to my office to do such. Harry sounded like quite a boisterous person, much like any recruiter. He asked if we could meet tonight after work at 6:30 but, because I work at my part time job tonight, I requested we meet tomorrow. When he asked for a time I told him around lunch would be great but he declined that idea saying that he would meet me at 5pm instead at Blendz coffee at Davie and Granville. I thought, great! When I hung up the phone, however, I started wondering what position I was meeting him about. I had only applied to the one job using my work email so I had assumed that was what I was interviewing for but he made no mention of it in either his email or on the phone. I decided to google Work Vancouver… a million sites came up for work in Vancouver…okay… agency Work Vancouver lots of agencies came up then I googled Harry Kennedy.. The first thing that came up was the following: ... Kenneth Greenberg, Harry Kennedy) and to warn other Canadians about him. .... an IT recruiting firm, an ethnic recruiting firm, and a human resources ...
www.harrisblackwatch.com/ - 50k - Cached - Similar pages |
The Harris Black Watch is a victims' rights group founded in 2002 to monitor the business practices of convicted employment agency con-artist Harris Black (aka Harry Williams, Harry Black, Harry Simon, John Ashton, Steven Shaw, David Gogo, Mark Canterbury, Allan Namer, Mark Linton, Tom Lang, Kenneth Greenberg, Harry Kennedy) and to warn other Canadians about him. Reading further…things get worse… apparently he is also a convicted sex offender and a lot of the girls who were interviewing had claimed that he had claimed that interviews were in weird locations and when they would go he would attempt to sexually assault them or fly into fits of rage when his advances were shrugged off. Dudes!! Dudes!!! GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND!! Never take anything that you read on the internet as fact, I could have been harmed… (I would be too smart to get scammed for money though). If you are suspicious about anything you should look it up, if something doesn’t feel right then it most likely isn't. Trust your instincts.
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| Stuff and Things... |
[11 Jul 2007|12:16pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
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music |
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worky things |
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- On Monday night (after vowing off of men completely) I got asked out on a date by a very good looking art director here in Vancouver. He completely caught me off guard when he asked me and I was thinking of canceling out afterwards (as I did just recently make this vow) but I went anyways with no expectations. Last night he took me to a lovely restaurant which was not only by the ocean but the bill came to over $200. I nearly choked!!! It was lovely to say the least… chemistry was had!!!
- I had a great talk with my parents last night. It is sad that it always surprises me about how supportive they are in everything that I choose to do in my life (even though I consistantly bung things up and make the wrong choices). I told them about the dissatisfaction with my job and how I feel that I’m going to be laid off (because I literally do nothing here – I can’t understand how they can justify paying me) and they were so cool and reassuring. It almost makes me embarrassed to admit that I was thinking of hiding it from them!! I also told my mum about my date and she got so excited and girly.
- I’ve been thinking a lot about moving into a 2 bedroom apartment with lyndszy. It would only be for a year while both of us try to save money to get out of our money woes and she prepares for married life. This is a plan that wouldn't come into effect until October as my apartment is perfect for summer time and I need to give 2 months notice. At this moment getting out of debt and sharing the bills sounds like a great idea….but I know I’d miss my apartment L
- The scot never replied to my email and has been avoiding me. I think that I was over it about an hour after I sent the email and didn’t get a reply. Also, he shaved his head and i think that he lost all of his appeal. Was all his attraction in his mighty Scottish hair and overgrown chops? I believe it might have been… Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
- I’m covering reception at work for the remainder of the week. I didn’t think that work could get more boring and unfulfilling…apparently I was wrong.
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| For Kells |
[08 Jul 2007|06:01am] |
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mood |
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 silly |
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music |
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A.C.R. - Shack Up |
] |
Dear Kells, Looks like your boyfriend is a two timing whore! ;)
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