|
|
pepper pepper pepper salt
|
|
|
| Hey Diana, where the hell have you been? |
[18 Jun 2008|01:38pm] |
|
Well, good question. I’ve been crazy busy, having fun and enjoying life! Here is a rundown on what is going down: Work I can honestly say that I love my job which is something that I haven’t been able to say for the past 6 years. Going to work is never a chore and I actually enjoy the people I work with! It is challenging, personable and allows me to grow into a more senior mind frame. I guess it doesn’t hurt to be earning a liveable wage as well!! Relationships Well, this one is a bit tricky. Sometimes it is better to take a chance and have it fail than to never have taken a chance at all… Sleeves and I lived together for 5 good months but a decision was made a little over a month ago that we should just remain awesome wicked friends… sleeves will be moving out in 2 weeks to the wonderful Kitsilano and I will continue to enjoy my castle in the sky by my lonesome. Nothing but positive feelings surround this very difficult decision. Bartending In May and part of June, Diana went to Bartending School and loved it!! Sleeves and I both took it together as a fun way to pass a weekend and now I find myself actually looking for part time work so that I can spread my joy of making the perfect martini. I have an interview on Thursday at a place that shall remain nameless until I find out if it is a place I can see myself slingin’ drinks. Other fun and random things. · I am volunteering at a cooking school scrubbing dishes in exchange for cooking lessons, free meals and wine! Well, I actually start this Saturday, I think it is going to be fun! I’ll share any cool recipes. · My brother just left Vancouver after visiting me for 10 days. It was honestly the best time ever!!! He came at a good time too, considering my rather significant break up that I’ve been experiencing. We did all sorts of fun things like kayaking, kicking our buts up the ‘grouse grind’, lynn valley suspension bridge, as well as eating way too much gelato. · I have 3 other house guests coming this summer including one of my best friends Linh arriving in July, my best friend Ren who will be coming to Vancouver for the Pride celebrations and then super wicked awesome kells will be coming for her annual ‘visit Diana in Vancity’ celebration!!! Everyone should visit me!!! · I cut my long hair to my chin as it was pissing me off… seriously, how does anyone get past the flatness of short hair? · My camera screen has broken. Okay, this is not cool… only annoying. Dang, I need to get a bartending gig tout suite! So, there you have it… Diana is alive and well chilling on the west coast and praying that this lousy june-uary weather would end and the summer would come!!!
|
|
| Hey Diana, where have you been? |
[02 Nov 2007|03:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
It is funny how I tend to want to write more when times are tough. Do I use my journal as a venue to voice my frustrations or is it merely that I am a whiner? Hmmmm, debatable I’m sure but I do believe that it is easier to vent in your journal than to just write about how every day your life has become. Since it has been around 2 months since I’ve set my fingers to the keyboard, I thought that I would sum up the goings on in my usual bulleted form. - I have been working in the Faculty of Medicine at UBC for about 2 months now. In mid October they offered me a full time position which I thought about a whole lot and ended up declining.. As a temp with the University I receive benefits, a good wage and I don’t have to shoulder any responsibility. Until I figure out 100% what I want to do, I don’t want to commit to anything that won’t fulfill me. There is not one small part of me that doubts that I made the right decision. Although this is the first job in Vancouver that I haven’t hated, it is still not what I want to do (ie. I’m a personal assistant yet again).
- In August I had given up on men and in late August I took a chance and went on a date with some dork I met on some dating site. I mostly went out with him because I liked his tattoos and his glasses and when we went on our date he had something hanging from his nose. I remember sitting there on the date enthralled by how it danced around when he laughed …who knew that I would end up falling in love with this dude? I knew that I was in love with him the moment we could talk about poo together on my balcony and when we could laugh at each other’s farts… there are talks that ‘sleeves’ and I will be moving in together in March.
- Speaking of shacking up… we are planning on moving out of my wonderful apartment into another wonderful apartment in perhaps a different neighborhood (perhaps kits or south Granville…which means nothing to all you non-vancouverites). It will be closer to work for me (less bridges to cross) and closer to where my friends live. Non negotionables: I want an apartment that I can paint this time, I still want to live close to the water (just the other side of the bridge), I NEED NEED NEED a bigger kitchen, it would be nice if the living room was not right beside the bedroom as sleeves needs to wake up at 4am every day to go to work and I like to stay up late dancing to Diana Ross, and it would be nice to still have a balcony… I’m so excited about finding a new apartment! (even though I love mine to tears)
- I am going home for the holidays this year and I’m super excited. I’m not going home for my usual 5 days but rather for 2.5 weeks which is a very daring decision as I will not be paid for this vacation time. There is a part of me that feels that things will ‘just work out’ financially. Frick, I’m already in the hole …what is a few more dollars. I’m currently helping out at the gym part time YET AGAIN in attempts of saving some spending money. I’m also planning on going to Montreal for 3 nights as well… why? Just ‘cuz. Rhondy, if you don’t meet up with me for poutine I will slit my wrists and write ‘Help me Rhondy’ on the sidewalk with my blood.
- I’ve been gaining weight. This is not a figment of my imagination but a real live concern… I’ve put on 10 pounds in a little over a month and a half. Sleeves likes the fact that my boobs are bigger but daggnabbit why doesn’t the weight ever get closer to my butt??
- Current food obsessions: pomegranates, tacos, grapes, chocolate (sob…when did I become this choco-manic!), pies of all sorts, hard plums (but only when they are cut up into quarters and eaten from small white bowls), and raspberries.
- My hair is now longer than my shoulders. FUCKING FINALLY!
- My benefits through work are going to be active in 2 weeks Monday.. I can’t wait to finally get new glasses especially since the university covers $400 on a new pair. I’ve been wearing these white ones, which I now hate, for over 3 years and they are the first pair that I’m not replacing because I’ve broken or lost them while drunk. Bless, I’m an adult now! I’m going to get a new pair in Toronto as I know where all the fun frames shops are there! Oooh, or perhaps Montréal!! I’m super pumped.
- There is one more hour left of my day here at work and then I go to my next job…I was hoping that this post would have taken longer to write… booo urns!!!
|
|
| hey, i'm alive!!! |
[01 Sep 2007|11:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
A girl has to stop ignoring her blog and break the silence some time. I think that there just is so much to write about that sometimes it is hard to commit all the emotions into writing it. I’ve had a nervous breakdown. It was a biggie but quite possibly the best thing that happened to me. Since about April, I was finding pressures in my life mounting.. Felt a little heartbroken, left my job at the ‘house of finance nightmares’ optimistic for good things, visited friends and family at home that turned into a disaster and a loss of my most significant friend and the person I talked to every single day on the phone, I allowed things around me to encompass me and I almost failed one of my classes, I hated being alone so I worked every day, money woes started making me feel trapped in all situations…. Pressure building, pressure building, pressure buiiiiillllding… By the time I got to July I was finding myself continually ill. I felt like a complete failure at my job and I took a vacation from myself and retreated into my head. Having a nervous ‘shutdown’ is a funny thing….a very selfish thing. I closed myself off from my friends and family, I would cry in my office every day allowing all the work to pile up around me, I was destructing my body and sabotaging everything around me on purpose.. my friends from my job started to get worried… I went from the office clown to a ball of anxiety and my good friend there told me she could barely recognize me anymore. Where did I go?? Would I come back from the dead and be her friend again? In late july/early august, I would say that I was at my absolute worst. I completely lost myself to the stresses around me… one of my best friends in the city had moved back home to be with her dying mother, my boss began yelling at me about things and bad mouthing me behind closed doors, i failed my 3 month work review, this guy I started seeing told me I was a mental case and dumped me on the middle of main street in the wee hours of the morning claiming he was just using me for sex anyways and that I was an idiot for believing any of his lies that we could ever be more…i had put myself on medication in july as I was hoping that it was the answer and it was not… it actually made things worse. I was still desperately lonely but only because I chose to be. I had hands reaching out to me everywhere and I was the one that turned them away…
|
|
| Stuff and things - Volume 1,000,000 |
[17 Jul 2007|02:19pm] |
Yesterday after work I went for a couple pints with my coworker. We talked about a lot of things but mostly about our discomfort with things rumbling beneath the surface of our company. The secret meetings, the masks of promises of change, the unprofessionalism of the hr department (we believe that he is just a puppet that has been set up to appease the people’s desire for a middle man anyways), the great divide between the management and the people ‘guised by the rouse of being just one of us. It is weird… it all feels very unstable and kinda scary. My game plan right now is to get past my probation next week, get my letter for the bank to consolidate my debts and then start canvassing for another job. - I’ve been having weird dreams lately…..One night I had a dream where I woke up, went to my fridge and started pouring flax seeds in my mouth. Container after container, I inhaled them all like a vacuum. When I swallowed the last seed I had containers all around my feet and I yelled ‘I LOVE FLAX SEEDS’. Wtf!!! When did I trade in dreams about sex and naughtiness for dreams about flax seeds and other even more disturbing variations (like last night I dreamt that my computer got stolen and I think that I cried for the remainder of the dream about it. Just sitting there crying and crying about my stolen computer…do I really have nothing better to dream about?).
- This morning I received an email from a reporter that is collecting evidence in regards to the Harris Black scam (ie. the con artist/sexual offender who uses the rouse of job advertisements on craigslist to gather information for his next victims who had contacted me last week). As much as I really want to help, I chose to do nothing more than stare at him through the window of the café and did not actually meet with him. I wish I had further information so that I could really sock it to this guy.
- I’ve decided to stop using pens at work and start using pencils. I don’t know why this is such a big decision in my life but for some reason the swishing sound of the pencil makes me eerily happy and more productive.
- My mate went to a concert with the scot and he made a pass at her as well. Something tells me that if it had been me that had gone up to dance that ill begotten night and not her, the roles would have been quite reversed. I’m glad that he cut his hair and released me from his Scottish spell so that I can see what a disgusting creep he really is!! His accent actually makes my stomach turn now, how dare he turn me off the Scottish! I consider this a blessing in disguise....
|
|
| monday reflections |
[16 Jul 2007|06:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
It is 5:30am and I couldn’t get a lick of sleep last night..i hate the feeling of laying around and my eyes just rolling and rolling around in my head. This weekend was all over the map, there was a lot of bad things like drinking far too many $2.50 double gin and tonics at pat’s pub on Friday with my coworkers (will I ever learn that going out with my coworkers is toxic?), letting some eyeliner-ed band dude try on my watch and then forgetting about it and going home, working both Saturday and Sunday (okay, my part time job is at Shoppers Drugmart) and having to stock shelves as we were overstaffed, etc, etc… for now lets focus on some fun moments, shall we? Personal Times - On Saturday I thought I started work at 3:15 but upon arriving to work, still a little hungover mind you, I realized I didn’t start until 6:15. Instead of going home, I took myself to lunch on a patio in Yaletown and read the paper. After that I went for a walk in the summer sun along the sea wall and watched babies giggling in the park
- On Sunday I took myself for coffee and panini before work at the most Italian place I’ve ever been (‘Hey Tony, say hello to your sister for me.’)
- Talking to my parents on the phone by the sea wall. My mum asked me about my date earlier that week, I told her it was fun and how we had racked up the huge bill. My mum and dad both said at the same time ‘I hope he didn’t expect you to put out.’ HAHAH, bless.
With MJ - On Saturday I managed to sneak out of work at 10pm instead of midnight and went over to MJ’s (he lives around the corner) to watch the wall/soultrain/south park, drink some vodka and be mildly (3rd date) naughty. Lovely
- Favourite Moments:
- When I said something funny and he spat his drink all over my face
- Seeing a commercial claiming to ‘increase your shaft diameter’ (it was for hair loss hahah) and an infomercial where (no lie) they had large brested women in tight low cut clevage tops saying things like 'now, if you are like me you don't know anything about how the internet works but let me tell you it is like magic.' whaaaa????
- Soul train baby!!!!! There was this rad 1970’s band from Japan and their mustached Japanese manager in the crowd could sure bring it down! (I don’t think that I’ve ever laughed so hard, I wish that soultrain was always on tv!!)
- Seeing an ashma inhaler beside MJ’s bed.. (I’m such a weird cat… why do I find things like this endearing?)
At Shoppers - Sunday I had clutzy fingers (most likely due to lack of sleep on Saturday ;), here are the funny things that I dropped that day:
- A can of mint and lemon icetea which got punctured and sprayed in my face and eyes infront of all the customers ‘my eyes, my eyes!’ I think I laughed non stop for 20 minutes and had sticky hair for the remainder of the day
- Pushing a wonky wheeled cart of sodas I managed to drop an entire box of coke. They all rolled down different isles (everywhere!) and I had to run around frantically retrieving them all. Zany!
- Talking vividly at my cash register with my hands, I managed to swat my tic tac holder causing all the tic tac containers to go dramatically flying through the air. (not only embarrassing but scene causingly noisy!!)
|
|
| For Kells |
[08 Jul 2007|06:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 silly |
] |
Dear Kells, Looks like your boyfriend is a two timing whore! ;)
|
|
| Things that are goin’ ooooon |
[05 Jul 2007|01:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 so UBER GEEKY!! |
] |
- After 3 weeks of staying in our offices and dodging his eyes, I finally talked to my Scottish crush yesterday. It was surprisingly comfortable and very flirty which compelled me to ask him out via email today… I am currently sitting in my office sweating through my blouse wondering if he will say yes.
Time email sent: 12:10pm Current time: 1:03pm - I have a good friend from Toronto here for the week which means that I am taking tomorrow and Monday off work to go to Seattle. Being the dimwit that I am, I put off booking a hotel too long and now we have no place to say on Saturday night.. DOH!!! Damn Seattle for being the place where every bluddy Vancouverite goes on the weekends!!
Time email sent: 12:10pm Current time: 1:05pm - I have decided that I despise my job… of course, this makes me sad for many reasons: I love the people here, it is the supportive office i always thought that I wanted, there is a chubby Scottish guy that I made out with after drinking for 10 hours straight… you know, good things. Unfortunately, I think my days of being a secretary are over. I’m a people person, sitting in an office all day actually drives me bonkies.
Time email sent: 12:10pm Current time: 1:10pm 1 HOUR MARK PEOPLE!! - I was very mean to Mr. T last week. He wrote to me apologizing for being AWOL and I ripped him a new asshole. I felt smugly good about it at the time but very guilty about it later that night. In evaluating why I felt compelled to be so cold to him, I came to the conclusion that I felt more betrayed by his continual flakey friendship and apology emails than the actual whatever we had ending. Relationships end all the time (heck, I’ve been dumped more than the average bear!!!) but one thing that I cannot handle is when there is promise friendship and then they flake out. What I need to understand is that sometimes promise of friendship is a way for people to get over the guilt of breaking someone’s heart. HA!
Time email sent: 12:10pm Current time: 1:22pm (I got distracted by something shiny) - I finally found an awesome family doctor and through her advice and counseling I have decided to once again put myself on medication for my anxiety and depression. I just need to have some of the crying spells put at bay for a bit while I try to figure things out and organize my life. I haven’t been on medication for 4 years or so…it was a big decision to go back on even if it is just for clarity!
Time email sent: 12:10pm Current time: 1:31pm - The gym expressed to me a couple of weeks ago that they no longer needed my goofiness for the front desk (they hired someone that could work many more shifts and wears far more mascara and fake tanner than I do) so I now have a new part time job. Unfortunately, it means working many more hours and is much more humiliating. One hint: a uniform is worn and it is terribly difficult to look attractive in grey.
Time email sent: 12:10pm Current time: 1:37pm OKAY… he is not going to respond. JERK WAD!!!! I don’t care how cute his new haircut looks… hmph. ;) Apparently I wasted over half an hour writing this post… hmmm, wonder why I think I make a horrible secretary. Ha!
Also, on a side note, today i sneezed so loudly and so powerfully that when i inhaled i snorted. i could hear my entire hall laughing... it was an amazing moment in Diana history.
|
|
| The ongoing conflict |
[15 May 2007|10:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
Things are going well in my life right now, - I am in total and maddening love with Vancouver
- I’ve been walking 2 hours a day, eating right, challenging myself with physical activities which makes me feel great and busting with energy (not to mention how great my butt is looking HAHAHAH)
- I have great friends whom I would literally throw myself off a cliff for
- I’m single by choice and happy to be such (mayhaps because I’m still hung up on someone buuuut I think that being single is what I do best)
Annnnnnd - I really love the people I work with AND my new job….
Soooooo, this begs to question - why am I feeling such an overwhelming sense of unfulfillment? Don’t get me wrong, my job is great. I have a corner office with a view, everyone loves me and gives me the support that I need to achieve great things, I have good friends who pull me out for lunch and beers, I earn significantly more money and am above the poverty line again, they spoil us with heaps of vacation time blah blah blah… but at the end of the day I don’t feel that the work that I do is making the impact that I want to make. Actually, let me correct that, the work that I do impacts the entire healthcare community in some way. The work that I do ensures that programs are set up for health care workers so that programs are in place to help them deal with environmental stressors, disease control, work reintegration, injury and disability prevention, education and training, mental health, etc… BUT and the end of the day I’m a typing monkey and I don’t get to see first hand the impact that I am personally making. This question that is stinging my brain is this – am I doing all that I can to make an impact in my community? The answer, of course, is no. I am completely living a selfish life devoted entirely to trying to make my own life better without regard to those around me every day that are in serious need. I feel selfish and dirty and lately I can’t sleep at night. I’ve been doing some research this morning and here are some of my ideas on how I could make an impact in my community:
- Volunteer in a Rape crisis centre (to be there for others the way I wish I had allowed people to be there for me)
- Disability – I would love to work recreationally with disabled children again.
- Big Sister? I’ve been contemplating this for a while. For a couple hours a week I could be a positive role model for a youth in my community that really needs someone to be there for them (even if it is just to run around on the beach or bake cookies).
- Help the homeless/low income… this is a tough one for me. I think a lot of the time I turn a blind eye to one of the biggest problems that is impacting various communities in Vancouver and that is poverty, starvation, drug and alcohol abuse, low income families, etc. I think that it would be good for me to get to know the people behind the problem and not just turn a blind eye.
Of course once decisions are made you, my faithful readerage, will be the first to know.
|
|
| Toronto - Day Two (aka. Diana Goes to a Huge Pollak Family Baptism) |
[11 May 2007|08:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
Dear livejournal friends...
When we last left our hero (http://becauseofghosts.livejournal.com/60552.html) she had crawled into her lovely bed on her parents floor at around 4:30am after somehow managing to squeek out her address to the cabbie.
It is no wonder that she looked so tired on Day Two: Diana Goes to a Huge Pollak Family Baptism.
 
After my parents kicked their way through my door that morning at around 8am to try to find the metropass my mum leant me the day before (funk, try not to let on to your parents that you are not still drunk and have no clue where the f you stuffed that little plastic bastard) we managed to get my drunk ass motivated to put on a pretty dress and spend a day with my huge crazy pollak family.
|
|
|
[10 May 2007|12:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exanimate |
] |
I think that I've officially been weirded out by every man in this city..
I need a vacation from men.
A very very very long one ..
|
|
| Toronto - Day One |
[08 May 2007|07:45pm] |
Beware, I am about to post and tell stories from my 9 day trip to Toronto from April 12 to 20th....This first day will forever be known as the longest day of my life (out for 24 hours straight and saw 6 friends).
I took the redeye to Toronto which got me in at 6:15am on Saturday morning (which of course is 3:15am my time)and I was tired but running on excitement and adrenalin. I ran to my parent's house first to both drop off my stuff and shoot the shit with them for a few hours before going over to see my bro. When I got to my brother's house it must have been around 10am and we giggled watching a movie and talking like long lost friends. I miss my brother.
Around noonish, we got onto the subway to jet downtown to meet one of my best friends Linh. The three of us spent about 2 hours running around the city comparing digital camera prices. It was insane but I finally did drop some coin and replaced my broken digital camera (which helped me out a lot for the rest of my trip!!)
When Linh had to go to see her highschool friends, and my bro and I went to Sneaky Dees for lunch and to meet up with my mate Colleen (whom is wicked). My brother and I ate the dip platter before she came because we were famished but forgot the golden rule of sneaky dees... YOU DON'T ORDER APPITIZERS! The portions are massive, which I remembered as we started getting our food...
 
|
|
| Spring fever.. FOR NERDS. |
[04 May 2007|08:51pm] |
|
Today I found it oddly erotic that a dude at work ate about a ¼ of this massive Chinese cake in the kitchen by himself. I stood there and egged him on and then, finding myself breathless, I had to scurry away worrying about my sexual sanity..
Boys and girls, when you don’t have sex in a long time strange things become oddly stimulating. Here are a list of things that make me cream my panties (sorry brother): 1. When men are very sarcastic. Actually, let me correct that… not quite sarcastic but quick witted and quirky. I love when I can say something weird and a man can shoot something equally as weird just as quick. It is like a game of table tennis WITH WORDS. Granted these be weird words but it is still Very erotic!
2. Thick Glasses. Thick and akward sex oozing glasses. I can barely make it through an episode of ugly betty without groaning with pleasure and beckoning some loving from hand one and hand two. Dear glasses wearing mens, please keep your glasses on during sex.
3. When I can see paint under a man’s fingernails. Ohhhhhhh, are you spending your evenings painting? Do you roll around naked in gallons of turquoise paint when behind the closed doors? *cues porn music*
4. Oddities. Tiny spaced out teeth, lisps, knobby knees, stutters, accents, limps, hearing aids, odd hair patterns around the calves, a weird snaggle tooth that pushes the lip up, wheelchairs, leg braces, the smell of no deodorant, cowlicks, fallen arches, stammers.. girls, when you think they are weird it makes honestly makes me want to rip my clothes off…keep your bad boys and give me a nerd any day of the week SEEEXY!
5. Dimples… smiles…geeky laughs...snorts. Laughter can steal my heart in a second.
6. A crazy fashion sense. I’m pretty bold and i like my mens to stray away from the typical lululemon wearing Vancouver freak. Are you a man with a green beret? Watch it son, I’ll jump you in a second.
7. Passion. PASSION PASSION PASSION PASSION. I don’t care what it is… art, music, architecture, staring at the sky, swimming in the ocean, typography, finding pictures in the clouds, building cats out of play dough, etc… I can smell your passion a mile away and it is hot mister. H O T. okay… now back to drinking this beer and staring out the window on a Friday night dreaming of finding the nerd of my dreams..
|
|
| Schoolio |
[03 May 2007|02:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
i'm one sleepy girl |
] |
I’ve been really bored and pace-y lately which has made me more than a little coo-coo for coco puffs. I’ve chalked up to the fact that I have gone from having everything going on and being very organized with my time to having nothing going on and basically throwing my time out the window. Too much time thinking makes me feel lonely!
This has led me to the decision to continue on with my schooling in the same program that I was taking before leaving for Toronto (Media Techniques for Business). It has nothing to do with where I am career wise but it has everything to do with the more important mission to challenge myself in a completely different facet than what is currently going on in both my personal and career worlds. I’ve already put my first semester knowledge to good use and found that I benefited from the knowledge more than I initially thought I would. Since I had put all my schooling on hold until I could sort out what I was doing career wise, there are minimal options for me to jump back in to a semester that has already started. Luckily, the photography class that I was going to be taking with Lindsay starts this coming Wednesday and there are still spaces for me to join. If I run to get my camera that I toted home from Toronto repaired ASAP I can still join the class and still learn how not to break it again. How exciting!! Not as exciting, however, is the fact that come June I will be starting my business and technical correspondence course. It will help develop and challenge my already amazing (cough) business writing skills and get me 3 credits closer to my certificate. I shall make sure to bring my glasses with the eyes painted on to that one. Zzzz. Further ‘keeping busy to shake of the blues’ plans are as follows: 1. My lover (mike the bike) and I will be beginning our nice weather weekend adventures this weekend (unfortunately I can’t afford to go to Victoria so it will be around Vancouver). Mike unfortunately is not genital friendly (especially when I haven’t ridden him in a long time) so I fully expect to not be able to walk very well at the beginning of next week. This should earn me severe cool points at work because, heck, who doesn’t want to be in with the girl who walks all bowlegged. 2. As soon as I come up with a design in illustrator, I will be taking advantage of how close I work to BLIK by taking their screen printing class. I expect that I won’t be able to come up with a design that I actually like for the next few weeks so I’m aiming for June. 3. This dude in my office has invited people up to his cottage in Tulameen (yeah, I don’t know where that is either) in July and I said that I would like to go.. 4. Still no decisions on whether or where I would like to continue my sewing lessons. Maybe I should just buy a simple pattern and try to just hack away on my machine first to try to figure out where my strengths and incompetencies lie. Perhaps I should actually try to make the throw pillows I’ve been saving fabric for ages to do? Hahha. I suck. 5. I fully intend to visit more than one thrift store this weekend. the thought alone makes my tummy all giddy… who needs boys when you have a full on hard on for cute fabrics and vintage glassware (dies at the thought!)
|
|
|
[01 May 2007|07:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
today i was walking home and wondered, what is the point of doing good things and having things fall together if i there is no one to share it with...
|
|
|
[29 Apr 2007|09:06am] |
|
At this very moment, the only sound i can hear is the waves lapping the shore...
|
|
| Victoria! April 7-8 |
[28 Apr 2007|01:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
Lindsay has pointed out that I am very behind in my picture posts. This is a point well taken..I've been very lazy lately.
The day after my birthday I went to Victoria for my birthday to both pick my my suitcase that I needed for my trip to Toronto and to visit my mate, who is my brother's exgirlfriend, CA. Not only did I have a great time but I got to clear my head of the things that were rattling around in there at the time and get out of the city.
I started my journey at the train station where I was to catch my bus. It was a beautifully grey day, the most wonderful weather for a romantic trip to Victoria.
The ferry ride to Victoria is remarkable. As those of you that have been able to take this trip before know, it is really hard to capture the beauty of it on a cameraphone...
|
|
| My Positivity Report Card |
[27 Apr 2007|02:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
Sorting out the life….
Being my 5th day back from Toronto, I’m going to reflect at where I am and where I’m going in scorecard fashion.
Employment - Positivity rating 10+/10
Before my trip to Toronto I was finishing things up with the biggest source of negativity in my life, my employment with ‘the treehouse of horrors’. There were no tears, goodbyes, presents, goodbye lunches… the executive VP walked right past me as he was leaving the door… and I decided to leave it in a positive way by professionally thanking everyone for their assistance over the past 16 months via email. There is no point in leaving negativity by being negative.
I started my new job on Monday and I’m in love with it. I have a corner office that overlooks the bridges, water and northshore mountains and everyone comes by my office hourly to tell me how awesome I am, how great I look that day and to generally make me feel wonderful. I’ve been already taken out for lunch by ‘the girls’ and chatted up by most of ‘the boys’. Today I am wearing jeans… jeans! I haven’t worn jeans to a job in… ummmm…ever?
Goals:
1. To fully evaluate the pitfalls that I fell into in previous employment situations and to prove to myself and others that I am intelligent and eager enough to grow professionally. 2. To reevaluate my schooling with BCIT and consider catering it to help me grow in my present position and fit my future goals in disability management.
Friendships - Positivity rating 8/10
This is a biggie. A lot of changes happened in Toronto.
Friendships reevaluated: During my first day I had a falling out with one of my most dramatic of best friends. To be fair, he has been one of the biggest negative forces in my life not only as of late but continually over the past 10 years and I think that my journey to self improvement bores him. To find myself continually having to walk on eggshells so that I don’t tick him off has been a challenge and to have him disown me as a friend for crying was probably been something coming for a while. Meh.
Friendships gained: Before I went to Toronto I did state that I was on a mission to release a lot of negativity with previous highschool friends. This was not only negativity that surrounded the demise of our friendship but also the judgment I had felt after sexual abuses that had happened at that time. Although I almost chickened out and cancelled our meeting, I did decide that I had to do it (as I needed to be released from the nightmares I was suffering since they contacted me via facebook). I’m pleased to report that the ringleader and one of my greatest mates at the time did take me out for dinner and what turned into more than a few drinks… at one point I was lucky enough to have the ringleader take me to the bar for a zambucca shot and apologize to my face for her disrespect to me during the situation. She said she didn’t have an excuse and realized that she was displacing on me a lot of anger she was experiencing at the time onto me. I got to forgive her verbally and we continued to get obliterated over the course of the night to rekindle our friendship.
My friendship to others reevaluated: Am I being the best friend that I can be to all my friends? Am I being there for them as much as they have been there for me?? I have written notes/emails to a lot of friends in Toronto who have been a big influence in my voyage for self betterment. It is my belief that it is important to tell people either verbally or in writing how much they mean to you. DEAR LIVEJOURNAL FRIENDS, YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. I WOULDN’T BE WHO I AM OR BE ON THIS COURSE OF CLEANING UP MY LIFE RIGHT NOW IF IT WASN’T FOR YOUR HELP AND GUIDANCE. I really mean that.
Goals:
1. To be the best friend I can be both to others and myself.
2. To make sure that I tell my friends exactly what they mean to me and to help them meet the goals that they have set for themselves.
3. To evaluate fully the negative forces in my life and to ensure that I’m not a negative force in anyone else’s.
Men - Positivity rating: 6.8/10
Positive changes have been releasing all the guilt that I’ve been experiencing over the years about my first rape. When my old friend told me that she didn’t judge me but was judging herself for things going on her life at the time and deflecting it on me, I realized that the only person that was looking at me negatively was myself. I have forgiven her and more importantly I have forgiven myself.
As far as dating goes, even though I said that I was going to get back on the horse when I came back home I have decided that I’m just going to remove myself from it all together for a while. I got to cry my eyes out on the shoulder of some of my best mates and am now back on course with solitary journey of self improvement. Heck, I’ve gone 6 months without any nookie nookie so maybe another 6 months won’t hurt.
Questions that have been bouncing around in my head: What do I have to offer anyone? Do I apologize too much for things that aren’t my fault? Am I so afraid that someone will leave me that I’m too afraid to make mistakes and take chances? What have I taken from my experiences as of late that I can carry over and better prepare myself for the next encounter? Are all people meant to meet someone or are some people just meant to carry on through their voyage through life alone? Am I a good person? Really…this is a question that I ask myself daily as of late so that I can challenge myself to be of better value to others around me.
Goals:
1. To just be me (because I am crazy and that is fantastic).
2. To not be so hard on myself when things don’t work (ie. don’t take it personally) but move on from it taking from it all the positive things.
3. To get over the feeling that I'm not good enough for anyone..
Self Fulfillment – Positivity Rating 8/10
I feel that my course of action over the past 16 (almost 17) months has been a good one. Close friends have told me that they have seen a change in me and admire my course of action towards self fulfillment and Positivity. I know I could have never achieved what I have in Toronto so I can conclude that moving to Vancouver was the right decision and is my home. What could make my self fulfillment a higher score?
- To use my time more wisely.
- To challenge my creativity… perhaps find a social group that meets once or twice a week to do creative things?
- To concentrate more about how I perceive myself than how others perceive me unless I am not being there for a friend
- To get back into being more physically active. (Though I do walk 45 minute each way to work now… NO MORE BUS PASS!)
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
becauseofghosts's journal
